only_more_love: (I'm Your Gun - lerdo)
[personal profile] only_more_love
Title: Lost and Found (1/1)
Characters: Brennan, Booth
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "Confessing this sin is not an option."
Notes:  What follows is different than anything else I have posted here. This is just me playing with tense and style.  For the purposes of this, a certain event in Santa in the Slush never happened.  I'm not sure how to classify this; perhaps it's a character study.
Disclaimer: Bones and its characters belong to FOX, not me. This story is purely meant to entertain. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Warning:  What follows is different than anything else I have posted here. This is just me playing with tense and style.  For the purposes of this, a certain event in Santa in the Slush never happened.  I'm not sure how to classify this; perhaps it's a character study.

The first time he kisses her, it's just to stem the flow of words from her pretty mouth. They are arguing about something, and as is often the case once they get going, he can't even remember where or why it started. Sometimes he suspects that maybe they do it more out of habit than anything else; he no longer believes they are quite as different as he thought they were when he had her detained at the airport upon her return from Guatemala so long ago.

Still, they are just different enough.

A list fifty names long stalks his dreams and pushes him to execute one more warrant, pore over one last bit of evidence, empty one more clip at the shooting range. The next day he gets up and does it again.

Hers is a different sort of list, and it's only two names long. But the length is irrelevant. It is the fact that it exists that matters. The list drives her to reassemble one more skull, clean one final shard of bone, work one last hour, as the shadows grow longer and the hours till dawn grow shorter.

There are nights when his list chases him from his bed, and when he tires of pacing his cage and hearing the floorboards creak beneath the staccato beat of his feet, he stuffs his legs into an old pair of jeans and throws on the navy sweatshirt he picked up years ago when he trained at the Academy in Quantico.

FBI—Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity.

Does he embody any of those values? On those nights, he can't find the answer, so even though he knows his hair must be a mess, he doesn't look in the mirror to fix it. Looking would mean seeing.

Some nights he drives, riding I-95 into Maryland, Virginia. Mostly trucks are his companions on those late nights and early mornings, their red taillights leading him...somewhere, as they belch diesel fumes like hulking monsters of rubber and steel. He is small by comparison, he thinks. So small.

Other nights he drives to the Jeffersonian to see if she is still there. Sometimes she is.

One night he finds her asleep on the couch in her office, her head resting at an angle he knows will make her neck and shoulders hurt when she wakes in a few hours. The way her body curls in on itself suggests she is cold, and sure enough, as he stands with his head bent and watches her, she shivers. So he goes back out to his car and returns with the knit afghan his mother made him when he became a Ranger. The red has dulled, the white has turned almost gray, and the blue has faded with time. Though some of the yarn has split into separate plies, he knows the afghan is as warm now as it was when his mother gave it to him.

He lays it over her and waits.

He plays a game in his head; he can't leave until she moves. It takes fifteen minutes that first night—before she stretches out one long leg.

But after she moves once, he has to leave. It takes several tries before he can force his own legs to take him further than the doorway of her office.

With a nod, he says goodbye to the security guard and finally leaves the building.

He goes home and falls asleep and dreams no more that night.

The next day, he wears his flashiest belt buckle and most whimsical socks in the hope that they will keep her scientist's eyes from observing the slight shadows he knows are painted under his eyes. They don't have a case, but he stops by to see her anyway. She is seated on her couch, bent over a stack of papers. With a sigh, she rubs her hand over her neck, and he realizes he was right. Before he can think better of it, he smooths his hands over the place where her neck meets her shoulders. She jumps and turns around, her mouth twisted in a frown that melts into a smile when she realizes who it is.

They talk about nothing important, and as he joins her on the couch, his eyes search for the afghan, his afghan, and find it folded neatly over one of the armrests.

The next time he comes by the Jeffersonian at night and finds her dreaming on her couch, he notices that the afghan is draped over her. He smiles and leaves.


Booth tries to be a good Catholic.

Church on Sunday. Prayers every night. Confession when necessary.

But there is one thing he never voices as he kneels in the confessional and inhales the desperation of those who occupied the space before him. That thing, he knows, is what he most needs to confess. For it must be a sin, to want something as badly as he wants her. She's pure in ways he can't even remember being, and he knows one day he'll sully that purity.

Confessing this sin is not an option. Because not only would he receive God's pardon during confession, he would also be empowered to resist the sin in the future.

He can't bear to do that.

Never a question of if, only when.

Weeks, months, years unravel.

The translucence of her skin and the cut crystal of her eyes are the sun—nearly blinding him with their brilliance. He tries not to look, tries to delay the inevitable. Still, he's weak—a creature of flesh and bone—and one day, he'll succumb.

He waits.

Booth is willing to die. For his country. For a stranger. For her. But he's unwilling to do it without having known the comfort of blindness. He yearns to lay his down his burden for a moment and prop himself against her steel conviction, lose himself in her black and white world, and forget gray—the place where he lives.

He waits.


"I'm sorry," he mutters, just before, knowing with absolute clarity that it is both a lie and the truth.

The first time he kisses her, it's just to stem the flow of words from her pretty mouth. Or so he tells himself.

She smacks him; he doesn't even flinch. A moment later, she grabs the lapels of his jacket and tugs him toward her. He is startled to see himself reflected in her eyes during the second before their mouths meet again.

There is heat and light and the warm pressure of her body against his. They stumble as she shoves him back against the brick wall. He inhales the air that has just left her lungs and finds it's suddenly easier to breathe.

When he slowly opens his eyes, it is to light, not complete darkness. Sunlight catches a thousand shades in her hair. There are roses blooming in her cheeks and thunderclouds brewing in her eyes, and he knows he put them there. Her mouth moves, but no words come out. She blinks and tilts her head to the side, looking at him as if seeing him for the first time.

A stinging cheek is a small price to pay.

She stares at him, he stares at her—seeing at last.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.*

*This is a lyric from Amazing Grace, a Christian hymn.

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Date: 2007-12-02 01:15 am (UTC)
ext_19743: (Default)
From: [identity profile] billysgirl5.livejournal.com
this was amazing! i really enjoyed reading it in this tense. it made the story even better!

Date: 2007-12-03 03:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thanks. The present tense seemed to give it a certain immediacy.

Glad this worked for you. :)

Date: 2007-12-02 01:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] highvoltage11.livejournal.com
Amazing... your writing paints such a CLEAR picture with wonderful details like lists, afghans, desperation in confessionals... I love your writing because it is so character driven and rich with descriptions.

The spirituality of the ending line brought it full circle.

Date: 2007-12-03 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
I love your writing because it is so character driven and rich with descriptions.

*hugs you* You have made my week. Thank you.

Date: 2007-12-02 02:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cliodnahpfan.livejournal.com
Interesting little snippet. Do you plan to do much with it?

Date: 2007-12-03 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thanks. I think this is a one-shot, though anything's possible. At the very least, I'm sure I'll work with this tense and style again.

Date: 2007-12-02 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] witchofthedogs.livejournal.com
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

This is what has been just below the surface. The lyricism is just... perfect.

YES!!!!

(ETA: I'm in a writing mood - give me another Bones prompt... *grins*)

Date: 2007-12-03 03:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
This is what has been just below the surface.

I think so. ;)

The lyricism is just... perfect.

YES!!!!


I thought and hoped that you would like this. Thank you for letting me know that you did.

And I left a pic prompt in your journal. Hope it sparks something!

Date: 2007-12-02 03:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] insanityjones.livejournal.com
I normally don't care for fics written in this style but you have converted me. It's brilliant. Beautiful. Certainly something worth exploring. Well done.

Date: 2007-12-03 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Believe me, I understand. In my opinion, it's a risky style that often doesn't work and can come across as overwrought rather than deeply emotional. Or maybe I just found it intimidating. :) In any case, I wanted to try it and see if I could use it in a way I liked. In writing as in life, it's good to try new things and take risks. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. *g*

Thank you for giving this a chance even though it's not generally your cup of tea. I'm happy you found something you liked in it.

Date: 2007-12-02 03:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a2zmom.livejournal.com
This is a fantastic character study of Booth.

Confessing this sin is not an option. Because not only would he receive God's pardon during confession, he would also be empowered to resist the sin in the future.

What a perfect insight.

Date: 2007-12-04 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thank you very much. I'm so glad you thought this worked.

Date: 2007-12-02 04:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anadxof.livejournal.com
Well this is definitely different than your other stories, but equally brilliant. It's a good writing exercise, and very well done.

Date: 2007-12-04 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thanks. :) It was fun to play with the present tense; I definitely enjoyed it. Glad you liked it, too!

Date: 2007-12-02 06:54 am (UTC)
ext_2333: "That's right,  people, I am a constant surprise." (Default)
From: [identity profile] makd.livejournal.com
another terrific fic!

Booth tries to be a good Catholic. Word. Emphasis on the "tries".

For it must be a sin, to want something as badly as he wants her. She's pure in ways he can't even remember being, and he knows one day he'll sully that purity. Oh, yes: this is surely Booth's secret sin: he wants her so badly, so much, that he would rather die than have her know, because he's convinced that she'd either reject him or immolate him. "He might catch fire." And, yes: despite Brennan's sexual experience, there's a purity about her - she "shines".

And yes, again, to your choice of the word, "sully". Such an interesting word, isn't it? And such a pun with her former lover, Sully.


Two little typos, neither of which would've been picked up by the spellcheck:
1. They talk about nothing important, and as he joins her on the couch, his eyes search for the afghan, his afghan, and find it folded neatly over one of the armrests. You forgot to type the "s", after "find".
2. He inhales the air that has just left her lungs and finds it's suddenly easier to breath. You forgot to type the "e" at the end of "breathe".

Date: 2007-12-02 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Good morning! I'll be back later to respond to your other comments, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU right now for pointing out the typos you mentioned. *facepalm* You're absolutely right about those errors; thanks to you, I've gone back and fixed them.

Thanks again for taking the time to point them out!

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From: [identity profile] pipergirl07.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-12-02 05:31 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2007-12-02 02:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarabones.livejournal.com
I'm speechless!
Amazing fic! Loved it! :D :D

Date: 2007-12-03 02:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
I'm speechless!

*g*

Amazing fic!

Aww, thanks. So glad you liked this.

Date: 2007-12-02 02:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ayearout.livejournal.com
That was really brilliant. I do like this style of writing. Before I somehow, um, stopped writing anything, I got heavily into it. It makes it... insightful, and real. I'm not saying this right, my brain isn't being too coherent right now, but it's really really good. :)

Date: 2007-12-04 03:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
You said it just fine. :)

Thank you for reading and commenting. I have mixed feelings about the use of present tense. It can work beautifully sometimes, and other times I think it might be difficult to read after a while. Might just irritate readers in a longer piece of writing. But this definitely wasn't long, and I had fun trying something a little different. It's good to stretch. Maybe I should try writing a longer story in present tense and see how it reads.

Before I somehow, um, stopped writing anything

I hope you get back to writing at some point, if that's what you want. :)

Thanks for stopping by to read this; I love the little discussions that can go on in comments.

Date: 2007-12-02 03:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] retro-grade.livejournal.com
Beautiful. Gracefully written and well executed, and you've captured Booth perfectly. Love it. Do more!

Date: 2007-12-03 03:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thank you so much for your kind words. I enjoyed trying something a little different, and I'm thrilled that the result was something you liked.

...you've captured Booth perfectly.

That comment's going to have me smiling for a long time. :)

Love it. Do more!

Words are fun to play with; I'm sure I'll write more in this vein.

Date: 2007-12-02 03:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thewhiterose3.livejournal.com
Amazing.

I love the subtlety. The light and the dark. It's how I always imagined their first kiss to be. (Maybe their second kiss will be.)

Your fic has placed a smile on my face that I'm sure will be there for the rest of the day, if not longer.

Date: 2007-12-04 03:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Hi, Mar. Thank you so much for commenting!

You're right—there's light and dark, sight and blindness.

It's how I always imagined their first kiss to be. (Maybe their second kiss will be.)

I love Booth and Brennan—probably more than is healthy—so I've imagined many different first kisses for them. ;) And this is certainly a possibility for a second kiss. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out after the events of Santa in the Slush...

I'm happy this made you smile. Your feedback made me smile, so I guess we're even.

Date: 2007-12-02 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] serenitysea.livejournal.com
Absolutely lovely.

This is a marvelous style for you -- I'd definitely be interested in reading more along the lines of this work.

Simply excellent.

Date: 2007-12-04 03:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thanks so much. I'm pleased you enjoyed this. Writing like this was an interesting change of pace; I'm sure I'll try it again.

Thank you for reading and feeding. :)

Date: 2007-12-02 04:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mistletoe54.livejournal.com
A very pleasing assessment of Booth's inner voice here. Just enough to leave the reader satisfied. Good.

Date: 2007-12-04 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thanks very much. Glad you thought I caught Booth's "inner voice" in this. :)

Date: 2007-12-02 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarcastress.livejournal.com
Well, that's simply wonderful. I loved the introspection and the guilt and, of course, the outcome. Excellent work.

Date: 2007-12-04 04:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thank you!

I loved the introspection and the guilt...

*hugs you* I'm glad; the show doesn't touch on this aspect of Booth nearly enough, but I'm absolutely convinced it's there.

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Date: 2007-12-02 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pipergirl07.livejournal.com
Beautiful. Just plain beautiful.

You have a magical way with words--I really felt Booth's pain, his suffering.

Keep on writing, cause it's all fantastic :)

Piper

Date: 2007-12-04 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Piper,

Thank you so very much.

You have a magical way with words--I really felt Booth's pain, his suffering.

That is a lovely thing to say; thank you. It's hard work, playing with words, but above all, it's fun.

I'm glad you felt Booth's pain. I wanted that to come across.

Keep on writing, cause it's all fantastic :)

Thank you again!

You have no idea how much your comment means to me. There are so many different kinds of stories to tell--light ones, dark ones, sexy ones, etc. I hate to restrict myself to just one because experimenting is such fun.

Date: 2007-12-02 06:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chaletian.livejournal.com
That was really an outstanding piece of writing - well done! I really enjoyed it.

Date: 2007-12-04 04:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
I'm glad it entertained you. :) Thanks for letting me know that it did; I appreciate it very much!

Date: 2007-12-02 07:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myconstant.livejournal.com
very very nice. i adore this style (i write all of my fics in present tense) and you've written booth really well. the lines Looking would mean seeing and She stares at him, he stares at her—seeing at last are fabulous. most of the booth/brennan fic that i've come across lately has been unrealistic and ooc, but you've really struck a good chord with this.

thunderclouds brewing in her eyes, and he knows he put them there.
so perfectly brennan.

Date: 2007-12-06 09:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thanks very much. :) It was interesting dabbling in the present tense, and I'm sure I'll do it again. You mentioned that you write all your fics in this tense; does that include longer works?

I'm especially happy you enjoyed the two sentences you pulled out, as I had hoped that the emphasis on sight and blindness would come across.

most of the booth/brennan fic that i've come across lately has been unrealistic and ooc, but you've really struck a good chord with this.

Again, thank you. Not knows how often I succeed, but I do try.

Thank you for making the effort to read and comment on this story; I sincerely appreciate it.

Date: 2007-12-02 07:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mdemvizi.livejournal.com
Wow! That was really good. I loved the way you wrote this.

Date: 2007-12-03 02:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thank you! It was fun to try something a little different. :)

Date: 2007-12-02 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] buffyangellvr23.livejournal.com
oooh I like :) Nice lyric choice too.

Date: 2007-12-03 02:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thanks. :) Glad you liked it. The lyric seemed appropriate.

Date: 2007-12-02 08:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] odakota-rose.livejournal.com
*thud*
Is it alright if I come back and give feedback when I'm coherent again? :D

Date: 2007-12-03 07:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] odakota-rose.livejournal.com
Ahem. So then:

*squee*

I really love that he's keeping track of his list and hers and the fact that she even has one is what bugs him. And how they both have reasons for doing what they do..

He tries not to look, tries to delay the inevitable. Still, he's weak—a creature of flesh and bone—and one day, he'll succumb.

Truly beautiful line there, something about it gets to me big time.
Ending it on "Amazing Grace" was just really pretty, that's the only way I can think to put it, heh.

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From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-12-06 12:28 am (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2007-12-03 02:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rizahawkeye-9.livejournal.com
Amazing !
it's beautiful ! I hope you write more fics like this !

Date: 2007-12-04 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Amazing !

Thank you!

I hope you write more fics like this !

I'm sure I will. :)

Date: 2007-12-03 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phantmgreeneyes.livejournal.com
How beautiful. :) Thank you very much for sharing that!

Date: 2007-12-03 02:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thank you very much; I'm pleased you enjoyed it. :)

Date: 2007-12-03 07:49 am (UTC)
ext_9571: Three sand cranes at sunset. (Default)
From: [identity profile] genericzombie.livejournal.com
I really loved this; I hope you continue to play with this style!

It just comes across as very... natural, for lack of a better word. True to their characters, with a comfortable sort of rhythm. I'd list my favorite lines but that might take up too much space. :)

Date: 2007-12-04 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
I really loved this; I hope you continue to play with this style!

Thanks; I'm sure I'll dabble in it again. :)

I'm glad you felt this came across as natural and true to their characters. The show itself has a lot of humor and lightness, so I wasn't sure if this would just read as completely unnatural. Not that I intended this to read like an episode of the show. But there's a certain tone, and I was curious if a lot of people would out and out reject this as a result.

Thank you for reading and feeding.

Date: 2007-12-03 09:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourteenlines.livejournal.com
Really, really lovely. Present tense is my favorite form for short work. Your characterization here is just wonderful (although I don't see "my" Brennan slapping Booth after kissing her, I don't feel the fact that you made that choice detracted from the story any.) And I definitely think it's complete as-is.

Date: 2007-12-04 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lerdo.livejournal.com
Thank you. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this.

Present tense is my favorite form for short work.

I had fun writing this in present tense, though I initially had mixed feelings about it. I'll have to experiment with it more often.

To be honest, I don't really see Brennan slapping Booth either—at least not now. But at some hypothetical point? Possibly. And it struck me as something that would work here and (hopefully) not seem OOC.

Thanks for stopping by again. I always look forward to reading your reactions.
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