Tell me a secret

[only_more_love]

If you feel so inclined, please come tell me a secret--any secret.  Feel free to post as many as you want.  Just do it anonymously; I'll do the same.

And if it wasn't already obvious since this post isn't f-locked, we don't need to be "friends" in order for you to comment.

We all have secrets, don't we?

ETA:  I'm not judging you—any of you.  It is my personal belief that people are tremendously complicated and nuanced.   It is my privilege to read your secrets.  Your responses reinforce my belief that everyone has a story to tell, if only we're ready to listen.

I want to hug every single person who's commented on this post.  Despite the differences in our individual secrets, we all have hungers and fears that regardless of whether we're ashamed of them or not, aren't easy to share with other people.  Those things unite us and makes us beautifully, tragically human. 

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I let people think I think I'm not pretty, just so they'll tell me otherwise.

I guess that means I must not really think I'm pretty.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Our feelings about our physical appearance can be enormously complicated.

[(Anonymous)]

Im not aloud to see my best friend.. but we secretly meet up every Sunday night, and play pool.
its been 2 yrs since i "officially" saw him..well thats what my parents think anyway..

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

Though I don't know the circumstances, I'm sorry your parents have tried to keep you from seeing your best friend. That sounds tough. It's amazing that you've managed to see him for 2 years without getting caught, though.

[(Anonymous)]

I have an eating disorder and have had it since I was 19...

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm very sorry to hear that; I've known people with eating disorders. They're destructive and painful.

[(Anonymous)]

I get turned on and have masturbated watching DB as Angel/Angelus being excessively violent and cruel to others. The more fist in the face, the better.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Nothing wrong with that; there's a difference between fantasy and reality.

[(Anonymous)]

Fandom can make me feel kind of strange when I meet people in RL. My fandom friends and I talk about the most intimate details of sex and porn and what turns us on - yet we (the people in RL) are not having sex with each other. Occasionally that just strikes me as really odd. I guess it's the interactivity of writers and feedback - the porn fourth wall is gone.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I've yet to meet a single fandom friend face-to-face, though I hope to do so sometime. But I can definitely understand why that might be a bit weird. And I hear you on the lack of a fourth wall. *g*

[(Anonymous)]

I tell my friends that I don't drink because I don't want to, but the truth is I fantasize about drinking so much that I think I could become an alcoholic too easily. I'm scared that one day I will give in.

[(Anonymous)]

Same here. My dad was an alcoholic and I'm scared to become one myself.

[(Anonymous)]

I daydream too much about what I would like to do because I don't have the courage to actually do it. I like to pretend I'm this sharp tounged witty little genius who can verbally cut you to shreds, but when it comes down to it, I just stand back and take it.

[(Anonymous)]

If my family knew of the fics I am reading I would probably be killed.

[(Anonymous)]

have had a self injury problem since im 15.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Sorry to hear that; hope you are finding ways to manage this problem. If you ever want to vent, feel free to do it here. You can do it anonymously. Of if you'd like a stranger's ear...

[(Anonymous)]

I'm 20 and I never had sex.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm almost 20 and I've never had sex. It's not a secret though, I know lots of people who are waiting for various reasons.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes I feel responsible for my fathers death.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I don't know the specifics of your situation, so I can't comment except to say you have my sympathy. So sorry that you feel that way.

[(Anonymous)]

Last year I had a friend turn most of my other friends against me, they all stopped speaking to me. No one would tell me what was wrong, and when they did, everyone expected me to forgive them immediately and move on. I haven't forgiven them, and I don't think I ever will. I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person, or if I should want to.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It's terrible that you went through that. Seems like that would be tough to deal with it. I don't think it makes you a bad person if you're unable to forgive them; I think it makes you human. You have a right to your feelings. No one else can dictate how you should feel about what happened. Hopefully you're able to make your peace with the situation--regardless of whether or not you remain friends with those people.

[(Anonymous)]

sometimes I wish I'd get pregnant just to see if it'd get the guys who say they love me to stick around...but I know in my heart I don't want to be with anyone who only pays lips service to saying they love me

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Oh, sweetie. I empathize, I really do. It's not wrong to want to be really, truly, sincerely loved.

[(Anonymous)]

sometimes i wish i would get really really sick just so i could see who my real friends are.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'd say that makes you human. Tough times do have a way of showing us who really cares.

[(Anonymous)]

No one in my RL knows I write/read fan fiction, and if they did I know for a fact I'd be teased mercilessly.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I think that's the case for a lot of people. My husband is the only person in my RL who knows I read/write fanfic. :)

[(Anonymous)]

My boyfriend is torn between staying with me or leaving. The problem is, he's unhappy both ways. He loves me, I definitely love him, and we have a lot of history together, but I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Do I give him permission to leave, even though I know it will kill me? Or do I watch him stay and be unhappy, which will also kill me?

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Ouch. That's quite a dilemma. I don't know, sweetie, I really don't. But I will say this: We are, all of us, much stronger than we think. I really believe that.

[(Anonymous)]

I call myself straight and I totally like men, but sometimes I think I also feel in any way attracted to women. I've never had sex with a woman, but I have kissed some, and didn't dislike it at all.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

:) Sounds pretty normal to me. Sexuality can be a pretty fluid thing. Not everyone is 100% heterosexual or homosexual.

[(Anonymous)]

I have had an abortion. It's nothing that I thought I would ever have to do...and part of me feels utterly idiotic because of it. I should have known better. I should have been more careful. It happened and I know that it was the right decision for me at that time in my life. I rarely talk about it though. Part of me feels ashamed. I couldn't handle other people's attacks on my personal choice.

I have no problem arguing pro-choice vs. anti-choice in theory, but my personal decisions are not up for debate. No one has the right to judge me. Especially those that will never have to even think about choosing.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

There are shoulds–and then there's reality. Theory and reality often don't match up when it comes to people. We humans are frail and fallible. We all have things we feel we should have known better about.

You're right; no one has the right to judge you. But don't judge yourself too harshly either. You deserve as much compassion as you would offer to a loved one in the same situation. I wish you peace.

[(Anonymous)]

I live in constant fear of losing those I love and being left alone. I often run terrible scenarios through my head, but the worst is how I feel that if I think of it too much it will make it happen.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I understand. It's normal to worry about losing your loved ones. Life is unpredictable... But you surely won't CAUSE bad things to happen just by thinking about them. I don't believe that. Don't worry so much that you let the moments you actually do have pass by.

[(Anonymous)]

My fan (fantastic or fannish) life is a secret from family and friends, except the few I found on-line.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I so totally understand this. :) The only person in RL who knows I make fanart, write fanfic, etc. is my husband. I suspect it's like that for a LOT of us.

[(Anonymous)]

I find it immensely difficult to believe the good things other people say about me. The negatives are much easier to accept.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*squeezes you*

I don't know why that's the case, but you're not alone in feeling that way. But there's good (and bad) in all of us. :)

[(Anonymous)]

I totally hated David Boreanaz before Bones. I thought he was the worst actor with the less facial expressions on Earth. Booth taught me to love him a little more each day, and despite not liking Angel -that hasn't changed, I can say I'm totally in love with DB and his acting skills.

Where did you have all that charm hidden David? ;)

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

*g* I can't say I agree with you, as I've adored DB since I first saw him on Buffy, but believe me, you're not alone in having that opinion of him. :)

[(Anonymous)]

I'm 17, I have only kissed one guy, when I was 15 and he was 13, and i utterly regret it and wish i still had never been kissed rather than have done it because he was so much younger than me and thats what i tell my friends. but i truly regret it because i used a completly innocent kid who really liked me and was super sweet, because i wanted to know what it was like to be kissed.

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

This may not make you feel better, but we all make mistakes and do things that we later regret. Hopefully there's some learning that comes out of those mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

i personally don't believe in sex before marriage (in any form) and i am terrified that this will cost me friendships and possible relationships when i go to college next year

[lerdo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Many people will not share your beliefs, but some people will. And of those who disagree with you, it should be possible to be friends with them regardless. We can't all be clones. Don't compromise your principles. On the other hand, don't be afraid to change your mind, either. We all have the right to hold onto or reevaluate our convictions.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm 20 years old and I've never been kissed. I'm starting to think I'll be "alone" all my life - if it weren't for my parents, I'd already feel that way.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm almost 20 and I never had a boyfriend.